Who Wants To Live For Ever?
A free short story
I got the lamp from Etsy. You’ve probably seen those people who say they’ll do some sort of stupid ritual to bind a supernatural entity, like a fairy or something, to a trinket and send it to you so you can be protected or powerful or whatever. It’s all bullshit, of course. I’m never sure whether they’re actually serious about it, or whether they know they’re just scamming people and laughing every time some gullible fool pays them fifty bucks for a piece of cheap Chinese crap.
I wasn’t a gullible fool, of course. I knew exactly what I was doing. I was looking for a present for Sam, something silly but unusual to give her on her last day in the office before she set off to wherever the hell it was she was going. Eritrea, Ethiopia, or somewhere like that, volunteering to help out in refugee camps or hospitals or schools. I never did quite get the full details, but they’re not important.
We’d all chipped in to buy her an official present, but I wanted to get her something just from me. Sam and I had gotten quite close over the last few months. We’d worked together on a lot of projects, lots of late nights and business trips, and, well, after we both got dumped in the same weekend, we’d become more than just co-workers. I’d been hoping that she and I would become an item, but she decided that what she really needed was to get away from everyone and everything and re-evaluate her life. Didn’t seem like there was much point trying to dissuade her, so I did my best to smile and pretend I was happy for her. But I figured that if I gave her a little something to take with her, she’d think fondly of me while she was away and maybe, just maybe, she’d think about whether we could have a future when she came back. If she came back. I didn’t want to think about that possibility.
Anyway, I spent all evening looking at countless stupid lists of “romantic presents to show her you’re interested” or “unusual gifts that will surprise her.” Jewelry (yawn), stuffed animals (hell, no), bath caddies (yeah, right, like she’s going to have a bath in Africa), personalized jigsaws (who the hell buys those?), pink dumbbells (oh, come on, are you serious?), lingerie (don’t even go there), and so on. I was just about ready to give up and buy her a Starbucks gift card - hey, they never expire, and they’re bound to have a Starbucks in the airport, right? - when I saw these dumb spirit knick-knacks. In my defense, it was 2am, I’d had more than a few drinks, and I was getting pretty fed up.
The site was full of crystals, dreamcatchers, friendship bracelets, and all the usual nonsense. I didn’t want to get Sam any of that. But then I had this crazy idea. I messaged the woman, SpiritWarrior77 she called herself, and asked her if she could do one of those old-fashioned lamps, like in Aladdin? Sure, she said, about a minute later. She quoted me a price, with extra for rush shipping, and I agreed.
So, like I said, I knew what I was doing.
Sort of.
Three days later, the lamp arrived. I opened it up to see what I’d just blown a hundred and something dollars on. Was this really how I wanted Sam to remember me? I didn’t want to make a complete fool of myself, so I checked it out. To my surprise, it was actually rather well made. Looked old. A bit shabby, but it would probably polish up nicely.
Well, I couldn’t help myself. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have done exactly the same. Everyone does. I struck a pose, and in a deep, Jafar-like voice, I polished the lamp, and said “Come forth, O mighty genie.” Or something like that.
And… there he was. Nine feet tall, dark blue skin, pointy beard, long nails, glowing eyes, smoke where his feet ought to be, the whole lot. In my living room.
He sighed. “YES, MORTAL, NAME YOUR WISH.” He sounded bored. Man, his voice was loud.
“One wish? Not three?”
“ONE WISH. NAME IT.”
“Look, can you maybe, be a little quieter? My neighbors…” I shrugged. “I’m already in trouble with the HOA for playing music at an inappropriate volume. They said next time they’d fine me two hundred dollars. I’m not sure if they can do that, but I’d rather not take the chance. So, please… take it down a bit?”
He nodded. “Very well, mortal.”
Still loud, but manageable. No louder than old man Curry’s TV, anyway. He probably couldn’t hear me over Wheel of Fortune or The Price Is Right or whatever game show he was glued to. Probably.
“So,” I said, “I’m guessing there are rules to this? Like no love spells, no immortality, no wishing for more wishes?” I’ve seen the movie. I know how this works.
“One wish only,” he said, holding up one finger. It occurred to me, how did he know English? Wasn’t he, like Arabic or something? I decided not to push it. Magic, I guess.
“Okay, got it.”
He held up a second finger. “I can’t do anything to anyone else. Whatever you wish for can affect only you. I can make you fall in love with someone, but I can’t make them fall in love with you. It’s up to you, of course, but I don’t recommend that.”
“Ah. Well, that makes sense.” So that plan was obviously a non-starter. I waited. The third finger stayed right where it was. “So… immortality?”
“Sure, it’s easy. If that’s what you really want.”
I picked my jaw off the floor. A freaking hundred-dollar lamp from Etsy and I could live for ever? There had to be a catch, right? “Would I, like, get really old and frail and ancient? Or could I stay like this? And what about getting sick or injured? Could I get, like, horribly mutilated or diseased and unable to die?”
He laughed. “No, that’s not how it works. You won’t age, you won’t get sick, you can’t get hurt.”
“Well, then,” I said. “Let’s do this.”
He shook his head, sadly. “You haven’t really thought this through, have you?”
“What do you mean?” If there was a downside to immortality, I couldn’t see it.
“Think about it. A hundred years from now, everyone you know will be dead. All your friends, your relatives, everyone. If you have children, they’ll die before you. Most of your favorite places will be gone. It won’t be the same world. You think you have problems keeping up with technology now, how are you going to cope in a world powered by technologies that haven’t even been imagined yet, let alone invented?”
I nodded. I’d seen Interview with the Vampire. I knew how this was going to go, and I could live with that. It would be fun, sort of.
“But that’s just the start of it. Five hundred years from now, this nation probably won’t exist. Maybe sooner. Maybe it’ll last a thousand years, but at some point, it’ll be gone. Everything you know will be wiped out. Ten thousand years, five hundred generations, and humanity itself will be changed. Your whole species will have evolved - assuming you haven’t poisoned the planet and wiped yourselves out first. Do you want to be around when that happens? You’d be like a Neanderthal.”
Ouch. Who’d have figured a genie would be lecturing me on environmentalism? But he had a point. He went on.
“And how long till humans just cease to exist completely? Nothing lasts for ever. Maybe a hundred thousand years, maybe a million, maybe ten million. One day, you’ll all go extinct, just like the dinosaurs. Ice Ages, asteroids, a little virus, something will get you in the end. But you’ll still be there, the only living human. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to share a joke with, or pour your heart out to. You’ll be completely alone, in a world full of strange creatures.”
Okay, so now he was starting to depress me. But he wasn’t finished yet.
“Now fast forward seven billion years. Seven billion, very boring, very lonely, very long years. And poof, the sun goes out. Actually, the sun’s been dying for about two billion years, and so has the Earth. All life will be gone. Except you. Not a tree to sit under, a rose to smell, or a bird in the sky. Nothing. And then… then you just wait for the end of time, alone on your dead rock, in the darkness, watching the stars go out, one by one. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound like much fun to me. So… are you sure you want to do this?”
He waited, expectantly.
“I guess you’re right,” I said. “So, how about this? I wish for a long, happy life.”
He smiled. Jesus, he had big, sharp teeth, “Perfect. You got it.”
Sam loved the lamp. I have no idea what she did with it.
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